Re-Designs

I used to work at the District Attorney’s Office.  One morning I was called by the Managing Legal Assistant to her office.  She told me to be seated, then she started rifling through the papers on her desk.  I began to feel alarmed.

      “Raquel, do you know why you’re here?” she inquired.
     “I have no idea,” was my short answer.
     “Well, yesterday you prepared a warrant for the arrest of Investigator Toomey. He signed it. The judge signed it. And it made it's way to the computer system. He could have been arrested for the crime of murder.” I heard the seriousness in her tone, as she handed me the arrest warrant.



I saw where I had typed the name of the investigator on the blank for “Defendant” and the name of the defendant on the blank for the “Investigator.”  I was completely aghast (I don’t use this term lightly!). As serious as this mistake was and for which I probably could have been written up, I was just given a strong reminder to be very careful with my work. The consequences of my mistakes could be very serious. This was my introduction to the world of legal documents, where a misplaced comma can inadvertently grant freedom to a hardened criminal (there has been an actual case of this in one county).

How do you react to a situation like this? Do you beat yourself up? Do you find excuses? Do you take yourself on a guilt trip that leads to nowhere but a misappropriation of energy and a depressed spirit?

Recently I’ve had conversations with friends who have shared stories of mistakes they have made. They both had a difficult time forgiving themselves. One was in utter disbelief that she could have made the mistake; the other kept telling me and herself how stupid she was. Then she recounted various mistakes she had made to convince me that indeed she was stupid, which was completely untrue.

I, too, have suffered from this same malady of lack of self-forgiveness. It was a lot easier for me to forgive others, but not myself. For many years, if I made a mistake I’d beat myself up emotionally. If I have wronged someone, I’d have difficulty forgiving myself long after the party I have offended had forgiven me. If I felt I came short of some standard I have set for myself or what I thought God had expected of me, I would punish myself by dwelling on this shortcoming for days. I would sometimes be so incapacitated. I would feel so unable to do anything right.

This burden I have put upon myself seems so ridiculous now. But the truth of the matter is, my problem came from believing that I was not allowed anything less than perfect performance or perfect behavior. As a young child, I was taught that if anything was worth doing, it was worth doing well. I have misinterpreted it to mean that whatever I did should always be done perfectly. And that my mistakes could be of such huge proportions that my world would end if I made one.

Contrary to what I had thought, I have lived through the many mistakes I have made. In fact, I believe I have even grown through the lessons I’ve learned from them. Some of my Bible heroes are men and women who have made some terrible mistakes. King David was an adulterer and murderer but from his lineage the Messiah came. Peter swore to high heavens that he would never betray his Savior, but did, not just once but thrice, and yet became a martyr for Christ. Moses in a moment of anger disobeyed God and lost the opportunity to enter the Promised Land, but was given a glimpse of it and then was laid to rest by the very hand of God.

Sometimes we make wrong decisions, choices, or judgment calls. Whenever I dwell on mine in endless recrimination and self-punishment, and get so incapacitated by the fear that I can never do anything right, I remind myself that if God was sovereign, which I believe He is, then He can even make something good come out of these.  When we make mistakes, beautiful re-designs are available in the hands of a gracious God who has masterfully crafted them long before our mistakes.  We only have to come to Him and admit, "Oops, God, can you do something about this mess I made of my life, my marriage, my career, my children, my finances, and sometimes even warrants of arrest*?"


*I spent 21 years of my work life preparing legal documents from arrest and search warrants to
Complaints, Grand Jury Indictments, extradition papers to finalizing legal briefs prepared by City lawyers and argued before high courts. During the last 8 years at my job, my desk was the first and last stop in the City’s legislative process.  My earlier mistakes had all been part of the training to make me a better worker.