An Act of Courage

“This is the lunge.  Make a giant step.  Tuck in stomach area.  Straighten and open shoulders.  Knee should be in line with toes. Then bring up the other foot and move it sideways.”  Morgan, my young personal trainer at the fitness club was instructing me.  She made it look so easy.  She’s probably 5’3” and 110 lbs.  I don’t think she is more than 24 years old, pretty, wears a cute little pony tail.  When she makes the moves to show me what I am supposed to do, she makes me think that I can indeed do them.  And then I try.  That simple little exercise becomes a complicated balancing performance.  It might as well be a high tight wire act.

“As we get older, we have to develop our muscles better, so that we are able to maintain proper balance.  As you know, older folks are more likely to experience falls.”  Morgan explains this as kindly as she could.

A couple of days ago, I performed a real act of bravery with Don.  We joined a fitness club.  We even agreed to work with a personal trainer for one session to see how we’d like it.  I am not very physical.  I have a real fear of failure and being embarrassed in public when it came to doing physical exercises.  I have flat feet, so walking long distances is not easy for me.  When I was in college and swimming was a required PE course, I passed it by the skin of my teeth.  The instructor made me do laps the length of the pool three times because my flutter kick was very far from satisfactory.  I think she finally passed me because at least I knew how to float! When I was a little girl and would join softball games, I was almost always the usual last one that is picked.  It did not help that I was terribly nearsighted and could never tell where the ball was headed.

 Joining this fitness program is a real act of courage, as far as I’m concerned.  Fear is one of my strong motivators.  Though I am afraid of failure in the gym, I am even more fearful of what I might have to face if I didn’t do all I can to deal with my diabetes.  I have seen close up, friends having to go through dialysis and eventually death.  I also have friends having amputations caused by complications from this disease.

At the end of my session with Morgan, she kept congratulating me for having the courage to go in today and keep my scheduled session with her.  I wonder, did she see the fear in my face as I walked in through the door this morning.

Have you ever been prevented from doing something because of fear?  I’ve had several fears that would have prevented me from experiencing some of the most enriching experiences I’ve ever had.  And I’m glad that by God’s grace and a lot of prayers, I have ventured into that which frightened me, though I began with knees knocking and a constant knot in the pit of my stomach.

I remember coming in late on the first day of my paralegal class.  The professor looked at me with annoyance as I took my seat in the back.  I looked around the room and figured that next to a lady who sat in front of the class (who I later learned was a supervising nurse at Kaiser Hospital), I must have been the oldest there.  Everyone looked like they were no older than 22 or 23. Besides it had been at least a good 30 years since I’ve sat in a classroom like this.  Great was my fear that I didn’t have what it would take to pass this course.  Several years later, I sat in a New Testament class at a Seminary.  Again I was full of fears.  The professor was known to be one of the most difficult to pass, and he did sound like he really meant to make us work hard.  And again, the age gap between me and the rest of the class intimidated me.  I was taking notes by speedwriting while my classmates’ clicking laptops provided background to the lectures.  I went to the library to do research, and I couldn’t find the usual card catalogue I had used when I was in college more than 40 years ago.  The research professor in the library who specialized in Kate Turabian’s Manual was gracious and helpful enough to give me a couple of hours of his time so I’d learn to navigate computer databases.  After this session, I was almost completely blown away.  How can I keep up with all these?

 But I am glad that I have ventured out of my comfort zone.  I have learned a lot and possibly grown a bit as a person.  The physical fitness world intimidates me.  The Pilates ball looks threatening.  But I might even enjoy this new adventure.  Now, if I can only conquer my fear of  modern technology, so I can take online courses. . . .